Why bother?

I've been struggling a lot in my prayer life lately.  It is painful.  But in a way, I welcome this struggle because any interaction I have with God is a good thing.

In recent years, God has been taking me to hard places where it is difficult to praise His name.  It is in these dark places where the most bitter sweet songs of praise arise.

But sometimes I don't want to sing.

Sometimes I ask God why I bother asking Him for anything.  For the life of my nephews David and Benjamin.  For the baby I miscarried early in 2009.  For our daughter Penelope.  For my nephew Caleb.  And most recently, for our friend Dwight.  

Please, don't ask me to think of "all the other miracles" in my life.  I get it.  They're great.  Whatever.

Why do I even bother to pray for miracles anymore?  And how do I pray for them?  How do I petition to God whole-heartedly, while at the same time bracing myself for the worst?  I feel incapable of praying with abandon anymore.

It seems that every time something tragic happens, God takes me to the valley and asks, "Am I still your King?  Am I still your first love?"  It gets more difficult to answer Him as the valley seems to get darker and darker.

Then I realize...it's not about me.  It's not even about my perception of the darkness in the valley.  It's all about God's constancy. 

This song helps me in those times.  But I cry every time I hear it...because I still don't see the bigger picture.



Lord, please forgive me if I have shamed Your Name in any way.  I still love You with all my heart.  I just wish I could be more...daring.  Please keep working on me.

You are still my King.

You are still my First Love.