This blog post is dedicated to her and it recounts our journey in harboring this child in our hearts. From a mother's perspective...
On April 26, 2009, we found out that we were pregnant! The subsequent weeks were blissful. I had some nausea and gagging...but it was all worth it.
On July 29th, as we went in for a routine, mid-pregnancy ultrasound (anxiously waiting for "it's a girl!" or "it's a boy!"), we were told that our baby had many severe health problems and she would most likely die in-utero in not too long.
Blessed be Your Name
As we left the ultrasound appointment, I started singing, "Blessed be Your Name" while tears flowed endlessly down my face. "He gives and takes away. He gives and takes away. My heart will choose to say, 'Lord, blessed be Your Name.'" Really? Really...kind of. Yeah, really.
Penelope Emmanuelle
We found out that our baby "Peanut" (that was our nickname for her) was a girl and that she had Turner Syndrome. Chin named her Penelope because it sounded like "peanut" (but she was also named after the character of Penelope from Homer's Odyssey - wise, beautiful, and faithful). I gave her "Emmanuelle" as a middle name because it means "God is with us." God is with us.
Mourning the loss of what could be
The days following that horrible news were surreal. I woke up every morning having to remind myself, "Your baby will die soon, if she isn't already dead. You are the mother of a dying baby." Nobody wants to wake up to that kind of message. I certainly didn't. But I had to repeat it over and over in the morning so I was never under the illusion that it was some ultrasound error. I had to accept that it was real.
Chin and I would often cry when we thought about not being able to take Penelope out to dim sum, or introducing her to the swings, or lecturing her about boys. We were mourning "what could be." When we found that we were just mourning our ideals of what could happen, we were able to say, "We could still have this for our next child. After all, these are simply our expectations of a perfect world."
Don't look at your circumstances
We prayed. We prayed for Penelope to get better. As we prayed, my sister-in-law, Chị Nhật Uyên told us to not look at our circumstances, but to look to God. Circumstances change but God is our only constant. Praying in that spirit and with that posture, we were able to find comfort in the only thing that was unshakable in our lives.
Like a breeze
We found out on August 17th that Penelope had passed away in-utero. Two days later, on August 19th, she was still born at nearly 22 weeks. She was beautiful. We cremated her remains and scattered her ashes in the Puget Sound/Pacific Ocean.
"God needed another angel"...and other equally obscene condolences
During the days following Penelope's passing, we got a lot of messages of condolences. Many of them lifted our spirits and let us know that we are so loved by our community. Some of them are insanely ridiculous. I called them "W.T.F." condolences. Even though they were obscene, they did provide us with a little bit of entertainment. To name a few:
"When God closes a door, He opens a window."
"God needed another angel."
"Oh, I know someone who has Turner's. She's fine. Your baby didn't make it?"
"You are still young."
"Oh, your baby died? That's so sad! Well, maybe you'll be lucky next time."
I was going to write about why I thought these were ridiculous...but I thought, "No, they hardly require any explanation."
The messages that we found to be most encouraging were those that expressed how people prayed until the end, and that maybe they don't know what to say. Short & sweet messages from the heart were the best.
Joy comes with the mourning
It is said that, "Though sorrow may last through the night, joy comes in the morning." (Psalm 30:5) But I felt joy right away. Possibly as soon as I started singing, "Blessed be Your Name." Joy that comes through an irksome situation doesn't taste the same as joy that comes in happy happy times. It tasted...maybe savory...or an acquired taste (like bitter melon or durian). But it was joy, make no mistake about it.
Trust
It honestly wasn't hard to trust God again. I never lost trust in God. Never blamed Him. And I never asked him, "Why?" I felt that God had His reasons and I already feel so loved. If I were to ask, "Why did You take my baby from me?"...why should I not ask, "Why did You decide to save me from the depths?"
God is sovereign. Always.
Another go at it
A few days after Christmas of 2009 (Penelope's supposed due date), we found out that we were pregnant again...with Camille. I must admit that the first part of our pregnancy was sprinkled with anxiety. I asked a lot of people to pray for us when we went in for our mid-pregnancy ultrasound (as that was when we found out that Penelope had her health problems). By the time that mid-pregnancy ultrasound rolled around, we had solidly found peace and had complete trust in God. Thank you all for praying!
"Is this your first baby?"
This is the question many people asked us during our pregnancy with Camille. I always have to pause but would often answer, "Yes, it is." Simply to avoid so many questions.
In our hearts, Penelope will always be our first born.
Happy birthday, Sweet Girl. Mommy miss you & love you very much. You are an ache in my heart that will never fade.
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