Sleep is for the weak: Book reviews (*giggle*)

"The night is a very dark time for me." 

Chazz, Blades of Glory 

...

So, I haven't posted in a long time.  I've been catching up on sleep :)  Okay, that's a lie.  I've just been lazy and sleep-deprived.

As promised, this is the blog post solely dedicated to the review of baby sleep books I've never read.  I've picked up some of these books but I have not seriously read any of them.  So, here goes!

Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child
My smart friends who are not hippies all recommend this book.  You know who you are.

What I appreciate: As every parent knows, once you have something figured out, your child changes!  This book gets that.  There are solutions for different stages of development.  There are also several different solutions to choose from depending on your/your child's temperament or the parenting style you choose.

My concerns: The biggest point of contention for me is the advice to put your child down early.  He recommends between 6 and 8pm.  If the child has a lot of trouble with sleep, then even earlier!  Dr. Weissbluth talks about how parents and grandparents will keep children up past 8pm because they are selfish and just want to play with them.  Um, heck yeah!!  If Camille goes to bed at 6 or even 7, she'll never see Chin!  And that would mean she'd wake up at 6...which is totally uncool, in my book (my book, of course, is called "Sleep is for the Weak.").  I do appreciate, however, that I can still glean helpful information on the science of sleep from this book even if I don't buy into all of his philosophies.

On Becoming Baby Wise
Oh boy.  Many of my dearly respected friends use this book.  I love my friends.  The book?  Not so much!

What I appreciate: The authors talk about creating a routine and sticking to it so that baby can develop a sense of security based on this routine.  They discuss the sleep-eat-play cycle that you should get your children on so that they will know what to expect when sleepy time comes.  Good, sound concepts. 

My concerns: There are so many concerns, I need a bulleted list:

• He talks about stretching the feeding times so that babies do not develop the habit of "snacking" and will also thereby increase the amount of continuous sleep at night.  This sounds like good advice, but there are inherent hidden dangers.  Putting infants through a rigid schedule may result in malnutrition, dehydration, lost of trust, hunger strikes, decreased milk supply for moms, etc.
• The philosophies described in this book are largely legalistic and rigidly regimented.  It is perhaps something that works for other families.  Not for ours.
• I don't like the fact that he refers to a young baby's cry as being "manipulative."  That is hands down my biggest beef with this book.  I believe that babies cry to communicate.  Sure, baby could be communicating, "I want to be picked up just because I want to be held."  It is then up to the parents to decide whether to pick baby up.  When babies are young, their emotional needs and the need to be near parents are considered basic needs.  I believe that manipulation comes from kids whose parents have exhibited wide inconsistencies.  When kids know that parents will bend, they will manipulate.  I know it's all semantics.  But it's the same as calling an end-of-life patient "needy."  Do you get what I mean?
• Finally, I do not appreciate that there is a "Christian" spin to this book.  Sure, the author (Ezzo) has published Growing Kids God's Way.  But to claim to be an expert on sleep and child-rearing while he has no credentials is a real concern that parents must be aware of.  If anything, I would say that the Ezzos are the manipulative ones...claiming to be experts, preaching legalism, and weaseling their ways into Christian libraries to misinform God's people.

The No-Cry Sleep Solution
Many of my friends recommended this book to me.  I checked it out from the library to read while I was pregnant with Penelope.  There were definitely some valuable points to learn from this book.

What I appreciate: I like that the author's name is Elizabeth Pantley.  It's feminine.  Yet confident.  Okay...aside from that, I also like her tangible examples of setting routines for bedtime. 

My concerns:  I just don't think it works for every kid.  Some kids, I think including Camille, will cry no matter what.

12 Hours by 12 Weeks Old / The Baby Sleep Solution
I hadn't heard of this book until Camille was beginning to exhibit some sleep issues at 5-6 weeks.  I borrowed it from a friend and I learned some pretty interesting things.

What I appreciate: I like the concept that there is a distinct start to the day.  She said that we should set a time to start the day everyday so that babies know what to expect.  So even if babies wake up at 6:15am and you want the day to start at 7, feed the baby at 6:15 and then again at 7 so that baby will know that 7 is always associated with this "good morning" routine.  I also like that the author says you can conform baby's schedule to the individual need of your family.  She cited one rock band family who had a wacky late-night schedule so the baby was on a 12-hour schedule where she woke up at noon and went down at midnight or something crazy like that.  Whether or not this is scientific, I don't know.  But I appreciate that flexibility :)

My concerns: I don't mean to dismiss the experience of mothers, but I have a harder time trusting the author purely because she doesn't have any scientific knowledge of infants and infant sleep.  Sorry.  I am also skeptical of the promise of 12 hours of sleep.  Not that I don't think it is possible.  But I don't think it is healthy for a 12-week-old.  Much to my chagrin, I do think young infants are wired to wake up at night.  You can call it evolution or you can call it God's design, but I think it is healthy for them to wake up and (1) eat, (2) regulate their breathing, and (3) make sure they are safe.

The Baby Sleep Book
Written by the Sears, readers must understand that they come from the stance of attachment parenting.  If you are not willing to rock your baby to sleep, wear baby, co-sleep, etc., you're outta luck, Chuck! 

What I appreciate: I like attachment parenting.  I really do.  It's a lot of things my parents practiced when they were raising us.  I also appreciate the tangible safety tips on co-sleeping.  Bed-sharing can be very controversial in terms of safety and I feel that this book adequately discusses these concerns.

My concerns: If you are not bed-sharing and if you want to try cry-it-out, there isn't a lot of information for you in this book.  I've actually tried the method of laying a hand on Camille and soothing her to sleep standing over her crib.  That worked once...out of five times (sometimes I did this for 20 minutes)!  The book also talked about helping the child make a healthy association with sleep.  That sleep is a safe and peaceful time to enter into.  Really?!  Show me a child who likes bed time and I will show you why your little pariah has no friends.  Okay, I don't [completely] mean that.  But seriously, awake time is fun!  Who the heck wants to go to sleep?!  I hated nap times as a kid because there was always some fun to be had.  Maybe I just had an amazingly awesome childhood.  Yep, that's it! :P

The Happiest Baby on the Block
A lot of my friends recommended that I read this book.  So I looked it up on YouTube.

What I appreciate: Loved the 5 S's!!  I tried them all on Camille and they have all worked at some point in time.

My concerns: Beyond the first few months (what Dr.Karp describes as "the fourth trimester"), a lot of his calming methods do not work. 

Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems
This book is written by the father of the cry-it-out method, Richard Ferber.  The man.  The legend.  The verb - "ferberizing." 

What I appreciate: For a book that promotes cry-it-out, I like the scientific explanations and reasons behind the methods.

My concerns: Dr.Ferber's cry-it-out method (called "graduated extinction") calls for parents to go in and check at scheduled intervals.  Without a video baby monitor, I think this would be necessary.  But if you have a baby monitor, I feel that it is better to do pure extinction (no checks) so that the baby doesn't get confused about, "How come Mommy is here but she's not picking me up?"  Just my opinion...

...

"Baby sleep books are as suspicious as Nigerian scams, instinctively you know it."

I found this quote on a blog while looking for reviews on good infant sleep books.  And, ain't that the truth!  These books always begin with horror stories of nightmare babies who are miraculously transformed into sleeping angels as soon as their parents followed the advice by Mommy Whozits or Doctor Whatzits who wrote the book.  And, of course, how irritating is it that these books all contradict each other?!  *sigh* In the end, really, you were just scammed into wasting time that you could have spent sleeeeeeepiiiiiiing! 

That is precisely why I don't read. :)

Camille's sixth month: A review

This month, we are thankful that there are no more hunger strikes.  Not serious ones anyway.  I think what I am more thankful about is just the fact that she appears to be healthy and happy.  I have just learned to let go of wanting her to get a full portion of her feeding.

This month also marks the beginning of an earnest effort to sleep train Camille.  After long months of debate, it just came a point that we had to allow Camille to cry in her crib until she learns to fall asleep by herself.  We were both so tired of having to rock her to sleep.  Sleep training has been going okay.  You can follow Camille's sleep journey here.

Finally, here are some new things we've noticed about Camille this month:

• She rolls everywhere now.  We are more cautious about leaving her unattended for more than 5 seconds unless she is in a very safe place.
• She can transfer objects from one hand to another (maybe this started last month, I can't remember).
• Before, Camille would just bite on her hands and fingers and lot.  Now she has shown an obvious preference to her thumb.  Ruh roh!!
• It doesn't happen very often or very predictably, but Camille likes to laugh out loud more often now than before.  Chin is the only one who can make her laugh uncontrollably, though.
• Camille gains a new nickname: Spitty Gonzales. (Which, btw, is her second Spanish nickname...after Camillio.)  She blows bubbles and spits a lot.
• She poops less frequently than before (used to be 3-4 times a day).  Which is very nice!! :)  Her poop is also more solid.
• Ever since she was 2 months old, she has been very keen on sitting and standing up.  When she grabs onto our fingers, she would try to pull herself up to a sitting and then a standing position.  She has been doing this a lot more this month.
• She knows that her name is Camille.  I didn't know about this, but my parents tested out this theory when they called her by other kids' names and she would only turn when "Camille" was called. :)
• Before, Camille would be very calm and observant during bath times.  Now, she actually smiles and shows signs that she enjoys it.

Camille checking out her Lunar New Years loot - red envelopes!

The specs
As of February 15, 2011:

• Weight: 13 lb 7 oz - 10%ile
• Height: 26.75 in - 90-95%ile
• Head: 16.25 in- 10-25%ile
• Teeth: 0!  That's right.  One tooth started emerging right before she turned 4 months old and now it has disappeared.  This is common.

Milestones & important events
January 15 - Really busy day.

January 16 - I got sick for the THIRD time since Camille was born. Aaaand Camille had another hunger strike.

January 21 - Went to open-gym volleyball with Chin @ CBC and went out with people after.  We did not end up going home until well past midnight.  Surprisingly, Camille did okay despite waking up at one point and just wanted to stay up to play for a bit.  Earlier that same evening, Camille had a bit of a melt down.  We thought it was stranger anxiety kicking in.  In hindsight, however, it was probably gas.  Maybe strangers give her gas.

January 28 - Had another melt down at my parents' house.  My parents were really bummed because they thought she didn't recognize them or didn't like them.  Turned out, yep, it was gas!!  Nothing a little simethicone can't fix. :)

February 3 - Camille's first Lunar New Year!  Also the first day of sleep training using the cry-it-out method.

February 10 - Camille learned how to "endearingly bonk heads" with Grandpa Le.  "She's so smart!!  She's smarter than her mom!!" he says.

We missed the really hard head butts.  Ouch!

Favorite part...
Getting to nap when Camille naps (for those days that she naps well)!

Least favorite... 
The results of busy days of being out and about.  I love getting out of the house.  But when getting out results in missed naps and tired baby, I am not a fan.

Shout outs
...To the Rainforest Jumperoo that Chung+Alice+Anna Jane are letting Camille borrow!  She loves it.  We have been putting blankets on the ground underneath the jumperoo to prop her up since her feet can't quite reach the floor when she's on it yet.

...To our exercise ball.  Useful for Chin's back exercises.  Useful during labor.  Useful for rocking Camille.

...To the B.O.B. Revolution SE 2011 jogger stroller.  An amazing stroller that we probably don't need (it's big, I don't jog) but Camille seems to really like it so far!

Discoveries & reflections
...Every newly postpartum mom will have an "oh snap" moment when her stomach bubbles and she wonders, "What?  Is it possible that I'm pregnant again?"  Then the thought process that follows is akin to asking God why good people get cancer.

...When old Asian people (those you only see once or just occasionally) critique your parenting and give you random [bad] advice, if it's feasible at the moment, just do whatever they say in their presence.  It's just so much easier than using logic and reason.

...I get very bothered when people would wake up Camille or distract her while she's feeding or just irritate her in general.  And when she cries as the result, they would call her "a difficult baby" or label her with a behavioral problem.  It has only happened a handful of times.  They've all been Asian people.  Coincidence?!

Jusssssst chillin'

...If you did not birthe the child, do not demand that the child do cry-it-out to sleep train.  Especially if you aren't the one who has to be there to listen to her cry (Chin!!).

...Holidays, weddings, and parties are fun!  The aftermath of missed naps are not. :(

...I have discovered that Camille has more than just one smile.  I wish I could capture them all with the camera.  But here's the list of what I have observed:

• The "I just farted" smile.  Very sneaky.  Tongue sticking out, of course.
• The "Good morning" smile.  A mild smile with lots of blinking.
• The "I know you" smile.  It's a smile that's flashed when she recognizes someone she's seen before.
• The "I see another baby" smile.  Oftentimes this smile occurs when she sees herself in the mirror.  This smile is accompanied by a lot of excitement.  Sometimes shrills and always hands-in-mouth.
• The "My parents just want me to smile for the camera" smile.  Only lasts about 2-4 seconds.  We usually miss it.
• The "Daddy's home!" smile.  Eyes opened wide...and then biggest smile with crescent-shaped eyes!

"Working...on...my...cooooore!"

Sleep is for the weak: Sleep training week 1

We often ask just about every parent we meet, "How did you get your kids to sleep?  How did you put them down for naps?"

One answer we have consistently heard was, "Hmm...you know, I don't remember."

Well, that's not going to be us.  We're no loser, I-can't-remember parents!  So, we're going to note it down on this blog.  And hopefully you can glean some helpful information from our journey.  Or at least learn what not to do :)

This is week 1 of our serious sleep-training for Camille.

Thursday, February 3 (Lunar New Year)
To be honest, I don't remember much of this day.  It was the first day that we put forth an earnest effort to sleep train Camille.

It all started the day before, Wednesday.  We had dinner at Chung & Alice's (Chin's brother & sister-in-law) that evening and Chin made a comment that Camille would be sleep trained by now if it hadn't been for my unwillingness to let her cry it out.

This comment hurt me a lot, actually.  It was alarming that at 6 months, Camille could not fall asleep without the aid of being nursed, rocking (which usually involves crying anyway), riding in a car seat, or being carried in a carrier.  It also called my attention to being more united with Chin on this sleep-training front.

So I decided that the next day, I would try to see if there was truth behind Chin's comment -- whether Camille could be trained to sleep if she were left to cry.  I've always believed that it could work.  I just don't know if it would be a good fit for Camille's temperament and our lifestyle.

For the first nap of the day, I calmed her down, read her a book, and sang to her some sleepy time tunes (songs that I've been singing to her around bedtime since she was born).  The book we read had a scary gorilla on the front page and it freaked her out a little.  Okay, perhaps not the best choice.  So, I put her down in her crib, told her that I loved her, stroked her fro, and said, "It's time to take a little nap!"

She cried for about 25 minutes before falling asleep.  And then she woke up after 15 minutes and cried for about 10 minutes.  Altogether, there was probably 35 minutes of crying for 70 minutes of sleeping.

That afternoon, she napped for about 40 minutes in the car seat while I was running errands.

That evening, she napped for about 25 minutes in the car seat again.

I nursed her at our normal time, 10:00pm, and she fell asleep pretty quickly.

All in all, she seemed a bit tired and docile after the crying-out session.  The crying really dug at my spirit.  Chin was right, deep down I was really bothered by her desperate cries.

Friday, February 4

• Early, early morning, I think she woke up twice to nurse.  I can't remember exactly.
• 9:15 woke up
• 11:30 put down to crib, played, turned 90 degrees and starts kicking crib rails, laughing
• 11:40 I go in and picked her up to turn her around, gave her a little hug, put her down in crib, she started crying shortly thereafter
• 11:54 she's out!
• 12:36 up and crying
• 12:41 back to sleep
• 12:50 up again
• 1:15 fiiiinally back to sleep
• 2:10 woke up, nursed
• 3:45 put down to crib, started crying
• 3:50 she's out!
• 5:40 I had to go in to wake her up because we had a dinner to go to at OCB :)
• 7:30 napped in carrier at OCB for ~ 30 minutes
• 10:00 started night time feeding
• 10:45 she nursed until I was completely drained, but was still not asleep.  I sent Chin in with a bottle, she took about .5 oz - this girl still does not want to take the bottle!  She was pleasant and not crying, but we knew she was tired.
• 11:15 we put her in the crib and let her cry - the first time we've ever let her cry it out at night.
• 11:31 she's out!

Saturday, February 5

• She woke up twice to nurse.  Pretty uneventful, though.
• 10:00 woke up playing in crib
• 11:55 put down for nap
• 12:05 she's out
• 1:20 woke up, nursed
• 3:30 fell asleep on the way to Ikea
• 3:55 woke up in the As-Is section at Ikea.  We tried to get her to go back to sleep but were not successful.
• 7:13 cried "loud and violently"
• 7:39 went to sleep
• 7:48 woke up
• 7:56 back down
• 8:05 woke up for good. Then Chin & I had a conversation, debating whether to continue with cry-it-out.  It was a hard talk.  We decided not to continue it.
• 10:00 nursed to sleep
• 10:42 Chin wrote a blog entry about us stopping the cry-it-out training

Overall not a great sleeping day.

Sunday, February 6

• 4:30 woke up to feed. She woke up when I put her back into the crib.  I let her cry and she was out in less than 5 minutes.  "What?  You're going to let her cry?  I thought we decided not to do that," Chin said.  I replied, "I just don't see it working out any other way.  I am too tired to rock her to sleep."  Chin agreed.
• 9:30 woke up playing, Chin takes her and also composes a "proposal for sleep training."  It's pretty sweet. :)
• 11:15 nursed (at church)
• 12:40 fell asleep in car
• 1:15 woke up at Jumbo dim sum restaurant (who can blame her?)
• 2:15 nursed
• 3:30 put down for nap, cried for < 20 minutes, I think
• 5:00 woke up, nursed
• 8:15 napped in carrier
• 8:40 woke up
• 9:30 bedtime feeding, played and took a long time to fall asleep
• 10:17 finally asleep (took a lot longer than usual)

Another not-great sleeping day.

Monday, February 7

• Woke up twice to feed.  Again, I don't recall what time it was.  I tend to block out those painful memories.
• 9:30 woke up, played in crib, EC'd, nursed, played, blah blah blah
• 11:10 put down for nap, started crying
• 11:15 out!
• 12:45 woke up, played in crib
• 1:10 nursed
• 2:15 nursed a little again
• 3:03 put down for nap
• 3:08 she's out
• 5:50 woke up (prior to waking up, she was stirring a little bit but no crying), very pleasant, nursed
• 8:10 Chin wanted me to put her in the carrier to see if she would fall asleep, she nodded off a few times
• 8:45 Definitely not sleeping, wanted to play
• 9:45 bedtime feeding, fell asleep by 10:10

Great day, if you ask me! :)  I also noticed that Camille has less of that docile look and she is back to her interactive self.  I would say that she is even happier.  Perhaps because she is finally getting the much needed rest.

Tuesday, February 8

• 1:40 woke, fed on one side
• 4:55 woke, fed on other side, put back into crib but woke up, fed other side, back to sleep by 6:00, put back into crib around 6:15 but woke up and played
• 6:35 changed, fed again, woke after having fallen asleep, blah blah blah, walked around, rocked on bouncy ball for 5 mins
• 7:15 fiiinally back to sleep in crib!
• 9:10 woke up, played in crib for 20 minutes, changed
• 9:50 nursed
• 11:20 put down for first nap, started crying
• 11:24 sleeping
• 12:54 woke up playing in crib, very pleasant
• 3:03 put down for nap
• 3:05 out!
• 3:47 woke up, started crying
• 3:51 stopped crying, but started playing and turned 90 degrees
• 3:54 I went in to turn her around and put the pillows back on top of her. (We put two heavy pillows on top of her while she sleeps.  The weight of the pillows calm her.)  Started crying.
• 3:58 back to sleep
• 5:15 woke up, played in crib, changed, fed
• 7:30 asleep in car
• 7:55 woke up
• 9:30 nursed to sleep, took a while to actually fall asleep

Wednesday, February 9

• 2:15 fussed a little, picked up and rocked for 5 mins
• 3:50 woke up to feed, right back to sleep
• 5:08 up again for feeding
• 6:55 up again to ruin my life (changed, fed)
• 8:45 woke up playing
• 9:15 fed, not very well
• 10:57 fed again a little bit
• 11:05 down, already asleep from nursing
• 12:57 woke up, pleasant
• 3:08 put down for nap, crying
• 3:19 out
• 3:55 woken up by the damn squeaky kitchen faucet knobs, started crying after 3-4 minutes
• 4:06 out again
• 5:18 woke up, pleasant, nursed
• From 7 to 8:30, she showed signs of being pretty tired but did not fall asleep in the carrier and, after crying for over 10 minutes, she was just not going down.  Oh well.
• 9:00 nursed, fell asleep
• 9:45 put her down in crib, woke up, nursed a little bit again, back to sleep

There.  More to come...

Sleep is for the weak: Back on

Oh, it's back on...like Donkey Kong!  Slightly different methods.  But there is a plan. :)

Sleep is for the weak: Abort Mission!

After 3 days of trying the cry-it-out method of sleep training, Bao and I have agreed to stop.  It's not what we want for us, and it's not what we want for Camille.  If there are other methods of training her to sleep better, then we'll explore all other options.  Right now, we're gonna go with the "wait until she's 18" approach to sleep training.  Surely she'll get it by then.

Sleep is for the weak: Cry it out

This blog entry is to remind me of what it was like before Camille slept soundly through the night.

Efforts so far
Bao and I have gone back and forth dozens of times on what the proper method of sleep training is.  So far, we've stuck to the tried-and-true method of picking her up and comforting her whenever she wakes and cries.  It's worked out great.  She's attached to us, she is stable in social environments, and we are confident there are no emotional scars for her or us.  Unfortunately, this comes at the cost of our own sleep, energy levels, and moods.

The new plan.. and results
So the new plan is to let her cry her way to sleep for naps and at night.  Our hearts break each time we hear her cry, but from a sleep perspective, it has worked very well.  Camille has only cried for over more than 15 minutes twice since we've started.  It's day 3, and she routinely puts herself to sleep within 15 minutes.  Sometimes she'll be asleep in as little as 3 minutes.  We don't know if this will cause any emotional scaring, but here goes nothing.

Before and after
Before cry it out - Camille is always happy when awake.  She's usually smiling at people, likes to talk and relax, and always loves being picked up by most anybody (if facing outward).

When she's sleepy however, she is difficult to put down.  She's even difficult to hold in a "laying down" position.  About the only position she likes when tired is upright and facing out from the person holding her.  She usually can't sleep in this position.  Naps and nights usually require 10-40 minutes of rocking/walking/bouncing/putting her down again and again until she finally goes down for sleep.  She will often wake up just after 5-10 minutes and require us to do the whole song and dance routine again to get her down.  Once down for good, she sleeps well most nights.

After cry it out - We've only been through 4 naps and 1 night time sleeping routine trying the cry-it-out method.  She's still the same personality during waking hours; but Bao and I both notice she has less "really big smile and laughs."  I think this is just our guilt skewing or perception of her, but it's something to keep an eye on.

As for sleeping, it's very easy to put her down - just put her down and let her fight it out until she passes out.  The tough part is living with yourself knowing that you aren't answering your child's cries for help and comfort.  The first time Bao did this (while I was at work) it took 50 minutes to get her down and she slept for 5 minutes before waking again, and crying for another 10 minutes.  After the 10 additional minutes of crying, she slept for 45 minutes.  60 minutes of crying for 50 minutes of sleep.  Not good returns.

Things got much better really fast.  By the 2nd day, it would take ~5 minutes to get her down for naps of 1-1.5 hours.  By day 2 night (the first time trying cry-it-out at night), it took her 16 minutes to put herself to sleep.  She slept soundly for 5 hours.  She fed and went back to sleep for 4.5 additional hours, with only a small (~5 minute) break to cry it out some more.  9.5 hours of sleep with less than 10 minutes of wake time.

By day 3's first nap, it took her 10 minutes to put herself to sleep, and she slept for 1:15 hours.  Her cries are also less violent and painful.

During waking moments, she's much more calm.  Is this a sign of maturing as she learns to soothe herself, or is this a symptom of emotional scaring?  Is she growing up, or turning away from her parents?  Crazy thoughts from a inquisitive, and slightly guilt-ridden father.

More to come
We'll try to keep the comments on this post updated with how she does as we continue with the new sleep training methods.  Keep us in your prayers.

Follow-up data

Day 3
Nap 1 - 25 minutes sleep while driving from Bellevue to Ikea.  Woke up at Ikea right away and couldn't go back to sleep.  Essentially skipped nap 1 for this day.
Nap 2 - Should be dead tired since she skipped nap 1, but looked awake and alert.  We decided to put her down anyway at 7:13pm.  She cried - loud and violently - until 7:39, then went to sleep.  Woke at 7:48.  Back down at 7:56.  Woke for good at 8:05.  34 minutes of crying for 18 minutes of sleep.